Apocolypse Soon

The end of the world can not get here fast enough. The Economy is fucked. The Environment is fucked. The Children are all stupid, and fucked. The 99.9% are fucked. The Voters are fucked. The Flowers and the Bees are both fucked. The Earth is fucked. The Solar system is fucked. The Birds are fucked. The Weather is fucked. The Streets are fucked. The Dinosaurs are fucked. The islands are fucked. The Ocean is fucked. The Immigrants are fucked. The Country is fucked. The Union is fucked. Criminals are fucked. The Dogs, the Cats, the Turtles, are all fucked. The Fetuses are fucked. The People are fucked. You are fucked.

RIP Caine

Once you go down the road of sexual fetich.......forever ill it dominate your destiny........if you stick a string of christmas ights up your ass once......you are gonna do it everytime and the next thing you know....you're buying christmas lights in August......because they're cheaper

Keep Abortion Legal

I do not pay any attention to retards or cripples, that is how I help them feel more normal. Retards are not normal, they are like GODs little living cartoon characters with bloated heads and shrunken legs, they are prone to kissing strangers, buzzing like robots, or plugging imaginary microphones into imaginary amps, and hosting game shows at a bus stop. Outside of being one, smelling one, or owning one, there is little that is unfunny about Retards.

My most recent encounter with a Retard taught me a few things. Today at the street corner near my favorite abortion clinic a Retard spun his wheel chair off of the sidewalk and got it stuck in a hole. He struggled with his wheel chair for a minute and then began getting up and down out of his seat, it looked like he was just going to get up and get the bitch out of the ditch like a Notard would do, but he is a Retard and anything he did was really for GODs amusement and served no practical purpose, this led me to my first lesson, electric wheel chairs are heavy with a person in them. I start pushing the chair toward the sidewalk and I see his fucked up cripple legs about to get caught in between the wheels and the sidewalk, and it dawned on me, if this guys fucked up cripple legs get mangled this Retard could sue me for losing the use of his useless fucked up legs. Now I had to violate one of the Prime Directives of dealing with Tards, I had to ask him if he can do something that he is clearly incapable of doing. Asking a wheel chair cripple if they can stand is very similar to asking a fish if it can drive a helicopter with its dick, he couldn't stand but he could lean so, I lean that motherfucker up on the light post and start laying the smack down on this wheel chair and that is when my next revelation occurs. Electric Wheel chairs are just as fucking heavy without a gimp as they are with one. I think I bulged a disc lifting that fucking thing. When the Retard gets back in his chair he starts to wheel away I see a sticker on his chair, "Keep Abortion Legal", and it dawned on me, of course Retards would love abortions, it would have saved them a lot of trouble.

PETA wants to throw Mickey Rourke into the ocean

Considering his recent Golden Globe nomination it seems like the right thing to do.

An actor believed to be some 140 years old is to be freed from the confines of a tank at a New York restaurant.

Mickey Rourke, will be returned to the ocean, from where he was caught two weeks ago.

The actor waspurchased by the City Crab and Seafood and quickly adopted as its mascot, posing for pictures with restaurant patrons.

But animal rights group Peta sought Mickey Rourke's release, and will now put him back into the waters off Maine.

It will enter the ocean in the waters around Kennebunkport, where trapping Mickey Rourke is banned.

Mickey Rourke was originally caught off Newfoundland, Canada, and has spent about 10 days in the tank at City Crab and Seafood. The intriguing actor don't deserve to be confined to tiny tanks or boiled alive

Hans Weinersniffer
Peta

The approximate age of Mickey Rourke can be deduced from its weight.

Restaurant manager Keith Valenti said there was never any intent to harm the actor, and the decision to keep it in the tank was made to offer customers a little something extra.

"We bought Mickey Rourke, started taking pictures with kids and it worked out real well," Mr Valenti told Reuters news agency.

But it was a "no brainer", he added, to agree to the request to return Mickey Rourke to the ocean.

"We never intended him to be sold, just draw attention to the restaurant, and he did."

Hans Weinersniffer, of Peta (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) praised the decision.

"We applaud the folks at City Crab and Seafood for their compassionate decision to allow this noble old-timer to live out his days in freedom and peace.

"We hope that their kind gesture serves as an example that these intriguing animals don't deserve to be confined to tiny tanks or boiled alive."

George Bush can't lose

Nearly a full month before ending his Presidency George Bush has gone to Iraq to high five the Nation for riding the tip of America's boot out from under tyranny and to declare the people of Iraq capable of governing and defending themselves. The out pouring of gratitude from the citizens of Iraq was overwhelming, one man went as far as to give the President his shoes, what a moving gift. You can bet a pair of shoes isn't easy to come by in a country without electricity, sewage, or running water, it can only stand as a matter of thanks for the man who made it all possible, you know how the old saying goes...."Shoe me once shame on me, shoe me twice and you won't get shoe'd again."



Mission accomplished.

The rising tide

America is in a shambles out sourcing jobs has crippled the manufacturing capacity of the United States, the once mighty auto industry is on life support, and American debt is at its highest average ever. In the age of globalization American economic stability is flirting with disaster and positioing itself for extinction. Even the entertainment industry, which was once considered recession proof, has begun to scale back and streamline expenses to remain profitable. The entertainment industry is America's greatest natural resource and it is this valuable asset that can turn the tide of economic disaster that has fallen over this great land.

Here is a three tier program to utilize several famous assets to bail out America.

First, due to the high number of threats against the incoming President, Brock Lesner will be made the head of the Secret Service. When an individual makes an attempt to assasinate the President, they will be captured and taken to a boxing ring at Guantanamo Bay where he will recieve an Ultimate beat down by Lesner, this event will be broadcast on payperview with the profits going to give tax breaks.

Second, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie will both be placed in charge of the CIA, where they will systematically slam every spy in the world. No spy will be able to resist possibility of sexual
intercourse with Branjolina, and therefore they will be willing to give up any secret for those services. We may have to hire John Travolta to fill in the gaps with the gay spy's. Once the bounty on Osama Bin Laden's head includes a twitter with Angelinas bird, he will be sitting in Sing Sing inside of 48 hours.

Third, the most important issue facing Americans today is energy independence, which is why the United States must make a lease available to drill into Rosie Odonnell, it has been estimated that drilling in her chin fat could produce nearly 10billion barrels per day, this would nearly offset nearly half of Al Gore's mansions energy consumption. Bisquick is currently bidding to build a pipeline to extract pancake batter from her groin folds, which could mean nearly 7 billion in new breakfast taxes. It has estimated that full exploitation of Rosies "Fattural"(TM) resources could offset Social Security debt beyond 2075.

This plan will satisfy all of America's security and economic needs for the rest of the future.

I miss Redd Foxx

Why don't celebrities fake heart attacks anymore? Did it become less funny since Redd Foxx died? Or have celebrities become less fun? I think it is the latter. Just take Ophra Winfreys for example, has anyone ever seen her have any kind of fun that didn't relate to giving fat women iPods? Oprah needs to get fucked badly and not by some old man. I'd fuck Ophra in a New York Minute. I don't mean Marvin Gaye tender loving either. I am talking about the Ron Jeremy variety of cock faced poon smashing. I would fuck Ophra and then when I was on the red carpet at the Oscars......I'd let Robert Downey Jr smell my fingers, and he'd love it. America would love it. I'd get my own show and then quit when the suits tried to compromise my artistic integrity, only to come back after they offer me more money, then I'd fake a heart attack on the View and I'd feel Whoopi up when she trys to check my pulse. I bet her boobs feel like unripened Avacados.